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A guide to

Sex & Communication

Sex & Communication

A Guide To Sex & Communication

A guide to help you, or you and your partner, improve your sexual communication. 

This guide covers: 

  • Why Communication Is Sexy
  • Why Communication Is Hard
  • Sharing What Turns You On And Gets You Off
  • Checking In
  • Initiating Sex
  • Saying No
  • Receiving a No
  • Understanding Sex Scripts
  • Developing Erotic Intelligence
  • Building Anticipation & Intimacy

Sex & Communication

A guide to help improve sexual communication.

Sex can be difficult and awkward. But it certainly doesn’t have to be. We know it takes more than just compatibility and luck; it also requires vulnerability and honest communication. This guide is designed to give you the opportunity to explore your relationship to sex and how you talk about it with lovers, so you’re able to have more fulfilling sexual relationships. While every person is unique when it comes to sex, Kass has shared her best practice advice for improving sexual communication. Below you can read a sample of what to expect in the full guide.

Why communication is sexy

A great relationship does not automatically equal great sex. Maintaining great sex in a relationship is a skill that is learned and practiced with intention. It’s hard to have good sex without being able to talk about it or communicate before, during, and after. Communication is the best way to transform your knowledge of what brings you pleasure into real, shared experiences.

Understanding Sex Scripts

A term coined by Ian Kerner, a sex script is the sequence of interactions (physical, emotional, psychological) that underlie the last time sexual partners had sex. Most sexual partners, particularly long-term couples, have a kind of default sex script. Often these scripts reinforce sexual problems rather than help them.

Sex is more than just a sequence of behaviours. There needs to be mind-based arousal, not just physical arousal. This means having an erotic thread between sexual events (like regular non-sexual touching, sharing of fantasies, or doing activities that make you feel close to your partner). With sex, as with many things in life, having the willingness to engage is the most important part of the process. Committing to showing up to be sexual with your partner is key.

Developing Erotic Intelligence

What is Erotic Intelligence? The Center for Erotic Intelligence defines eroticism as “the ability to balance your beliefs, desires, feelings, and reality with the chaos around you at any given moment,” and says that erotic intelligence is less about knowing positions and more about “knowing who you are.”

Building anticipation & intimacy

Having ongoing, regular conversations about sex, in between sexual encounters, is foreplay. Communication builds excitement, anticipation and connection and can be one of those highly pleasurable experiences that goes a long way to turn someone on while also establishing trust, vulnerability and understanding.

Start building anticipation and creating opportunities for closeness through prioritising regular moments of intimacy, rather than scheduling sex. Plan date nights or nights where you talk about sex. Listen to podcasts in the car or on the couch together. Get curious about your sexual partner preferences and reflect on your own in asking one another questions or hearing new perspectives.


- Sexologist

Kass Mourikis is a Melbourne-based Sexologist and the founder of Pleasure Centred Sexology. Kass believes pleasure is the key to many things in life and recognises trauma can impact pleasure in many complex ways. Kass holds a Bachelor of Psychology with Honours and a Master of Sexology. She is a member of the Society of Australian Sexologists.

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