Getting started

Arousal makes it easier for the pelvic floor to relax. Start by getting turned on before you go anywhere near your – or your partner’s – anus. Flirting, kissing, dirty talk, oral sex, intercourse, erotic massage, role play, spanking – begin by doing something you already enjoy. Don’t rush it. You’ll have a lot more fun if you ramp things up.

No surprise penetration

Although you won’t ever see anyone ask first in mainstream porn, it’s one of the most important things you can do to make anal play feel great. You want to keep your partner as relaxed and open as possible, and that’s not likely to happen if you surprise them with penetration.

Spend lots of time stimulating the outside before you even think of inserting a finger or toy. If it seems like they’re ready for it, the best way to be sure is to ask. It is an excellent approach to something as simple as, “Do you want it?” while teasing the opening. Or you can tell them that you’ll slide inside them as soon as they tell you they want it. Make it dirty talk if that turns you both on, and sexual communication becomes sexy rather than a buzzkill.

Bear Down

If you want to help your anus relax, you can bear down. It’s the same motion you do when you go to the bathroom, but only about 25%. That causes the muscles to open more easily. It might take some practice to do that for more than a few seconds but stick with it.

Only use toys with a flared base

It’s essential only to use anal toys with flared bases, as there is a real risk of over-insertion if the toy doesn’t have a flared base. A vagina is like a cul-de-sac. It dead-ends at your cervix, so even if a sex toy gets lost inside you, it doesn’t have very far to go. Your anus is not a dead-end. Quite the opposite. It connects to your rectum, which is part of your large intestine. A toy lost inside your anus could make its way up to your intestines.

But what is a flared base, exactly? Many anal toys taper toward the bottom and then widen significantly. The wide part is what you want to look out for. That flared base can come in the form of a T-bar (a horizontal bar at the bottom of the toy that makes it look like an upside-down T), a large ring, a suction cup—even the testicles you find on realistic dildos could get the job done.

Most anal toys have a built-in flared base, but many vaginal toys don’t. Be aware to check what you’re inserting into your body ahead of time.